You or your spouse has made a decision to divorce

It is time to get up to speed.

The internet has a dizzying amount of information. Information is not knowledge. Start at the beginning.

Your primary concern should be how to go about working it out and who might help you best.

CHOOSE A PROCESS

Kitchen table: Some people begin by talking with each other and they will do well, if they get the targeted help then need and lawyers don’t screw it up.

Mediation: Some people do well with mediation. Mediation is sitting with a neutral mediator, for guided conversations, where you and your spouse represent and negotiate for yourself. Once parties have a ‘handshake’, they retain lawyers to process a legal agreement and perhaps a divorce.

Collaborative Process:   Some people ask for more help and hire collaborative professionals to advocate for their interests and help them negotiate. Collaborative Process is integrated and concludes with an agreement and perhaps a divorce.

Litigation: This is what most people think of as a “traditional” approach and each party hires lawyers and prepares to go to Court. The Court decides your matter or what a Court might provide guides your settlement. The International Association of Collaborative Professionals has studied outcomes in matters handled collaboratively and reports a 90% success rate.   Only 10% of all matters handled collaboratively transition to another process.   The 10% tend to be matters where people are unable or unwilling to make decisions. Our experience is that the level of conflict may require more support for resolution but it does not preclude success.

The good news is that if you can figure out the process that will work best for you and your family, you have a higher than 90% chance of successfully working out your details.

Rather than beginning a search online for credible information about custody, who pays the expenses, what funds go into joint accounts and when to move out of the matrimonial home, start with the how are we going to do make decisions? Online information may suggest steps that will only make separations more difficult and costly.

To achieve healthier transitions, spouses need accurate information that highlights best practices and minimize the negative impact that separation and divorce can have on the members of the family.

TAKE CARE OF YOUR PERSONAL WELL-BEING

All life changes present challenges and there are choices to be made. The idea is to understand all of the consequences of a change before you make the choice! Life changes can be emotional. The relationship with your spouse is changing. Trust is often at a low point when parties choose to start a separation or divorce. Professionals need to learn what is important to you and help you navigate the currents ahead. You cannot stop feeling the way you do, but you can choose how to deal with a new financial reality, how to talk with a separated spouse (when communication wasn’t great to begin with), how to deal with the sadness of not seeing your children daily, or how to be a good separated co-parent.

You can acquire new skills before the divorce is finalized: how to become more self-aware of your needs; how to deal with conflict successfully, how you respond to situations that make you angry or sad, and how to improve your communication and interpersonal skills.

HOW DO I PROTECT MY CHILDREN

Parents should educate themselves on best practices before having any separation-related conversations with the children, or within their earshot. Children often need help or support when there is a separation, and it’s important that any professionals provide age-appropriate counselling or advice. Families benefit from working with social workers or mental health professionals to develop new communication skills and establish a personalized parenting plan. Working through the process together makes it easier for parents and kids to keep relationships intact.

DETERMINE LIVING ARRANGEMENTS

When spouses decide to separate, it can take time to organize their affairs and physically move apart. Tension can make the transition period challenging for the entire family.

Spouses who continue to share a residence should work together, with professionals if necessary, to create a transition and exit plan that works for them. They may agree on alternating bedtime duty so each parent can go out separately to alleviate tension, what those bedtime routines look like, who takes the kids to programs, and how to communicate with each other. The goal is to maintain a healthy and supportive environment for the children. They are not divorcing their parents!

CONCLUSION

Couples who are separating have countless questions about their rights and obligations, and getting informed answers will usually reduce tensions and stress. Clients should seek legal advice at the beginning and plan for best steps. Strategic first steps such as the ones outlined here can help avoid turning a divorce into a war.